ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
