i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
