i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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