his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
where are you?
Hypothermia
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize