I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
