moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
