I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
