Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
dude i'm inner monologue high
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
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I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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