i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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