i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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