What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
