I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
