The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
