i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
