What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
