Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
