Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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