Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
