3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
