That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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