i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
