No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
