Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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