did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
