I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
