its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
