Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
