I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
