i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
