She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i need some magic done to my vagina
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
