I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
