The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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