Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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