the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I would fuck him just for his dog
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
