Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
