Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
