New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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