I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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