If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
