I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
