She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
