I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
