I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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