His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
