I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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