BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
