I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
