why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize