Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
