She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
