I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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