you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
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