I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
