Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
