you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
